I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
