Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
