im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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