I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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