Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
