Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
