Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
