According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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