I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
