My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
