Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
