saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
