i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
