Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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