I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
