The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
