I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
