Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
