the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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