Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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