she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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