My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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