Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
