Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
