Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
