you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
