I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
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She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
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Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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