Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
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He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
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I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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