EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
