my room smells like sperm. sweet.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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