I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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