the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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