made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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