I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
