I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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