im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
