my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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