My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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