Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You need a sexual gate keeper
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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