the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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