I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
