you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book