naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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