You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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