is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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