I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
