Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
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I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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