He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
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