Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
