I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
