Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
