Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
