The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
