I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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