i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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