I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
