i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
