No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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