i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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