How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
