Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
